What’s Your Number?

I never thought re-watching old movies can teach me new things..

A couple days ago, I watched an old movies entitled “What’s your number?”. I was so inspired by one of the character there named Ally Darling. She was speaking for her sister’s wedding speech and she said things that made me realize about something.

“Its like with him, she is completely being herself”.

“But I never thought about what my little sister teach me until now, thank you for teaching me that being in love means being yourself.” — Ally Darling.

When it comes to fall in love, we used to be blind by our feelings. We thought that maybe this will last, its okay its just a phase in the relationship. The truth is today I realize that I was not completely being myself around him.

What will you do when every time you are meeting your love, you feel scared? When all single steps that you take might become another mistakes that you do to him. That feeling of “I can’t breathe around you.” is there.. Then here I am, end up I have no words to say. Now I prefer to stay silent and make distance than talking to him too much.

When I watch that lines on the movie, I was stunned. I just realize how far I have gone through all of this? Am I okay with this?

When all you wanna do is dressed up pretty with the clothes that you like, and then he gives you that annoying gaze “I don’t like your outfit.”

When you are simply just wanna have your simple lunch with him, although you don’t know whether the food will be tasty or not. I was just trying to enjoy it with him anyway. I thought he was okay when he ate that with me. Turns out it also become part of my mistakes to choose certain place to eat, it taste bad.

I always make mistakes. Maybe I am stupid.

That “The place is too far.”

“Why don’t you google it first?”

“How do you say it taste good? Its not good at all.”

“People are making good review because they got discount from it.”.

Yeah maybe I was stupid. I believe in people review. Well, maybe I am too stupid to be paired with him. That annoys him a lot.

Sometimes I wonder, what if I just want to enjoy it? Although the food taste bad, at least I am went there with him. Sometimes I just wish he said although its far, it taste bad, its okay we are just spending time together. Sometimes I wish it was not part of my mistake to make.

I want to have those memories when we laugh about how bad the taste of the food on that day. Laughing about it, not cry about it because it was part of my mistakes.

Another mistakes when you open a cup of coffee that you want to randomly try that day, it taste weird. When you can’t finish it right away, because it taste weird. I bring that on the trip and then he said I cause resentment.

He said I was acting so annoying by bringing a coffee on the trip.

“You treat me like a driver only.”

“You treat me like an animal.”

That “I will never forget this..” things..

That, “You don’t deserve my empathy.”

That, “I won’t accept your apology.”

Were all ringing in my ears.. And I read again that lines in the movie.

Then I cry, I always end up crying knowing all of this. The fact is I am hurt.

And what will you do if there are more crying nights that you spend rather than happy nights? Instead of feeling happy, I feel sad, stressed. I was hurt by his behavior and words too.

Although he always apologized at the end of the day, but I don’t think I can heal that fast to act like nothing happen, like the scars wasn’t there.

When you were cool down already, you grabbed my hand, try to talk to me tenderly. Then you just act like nothing happen. I was actually crying before you came, I was thinking to go home by myself. Or maybe just walk far away, as far as I can from you. It wasn’t that easy to switch my mood and face to be happy again in front of you. Its hard. I keep asking myself many times, is it possible to continue this?

The question is changing now. Its not about “Do you love him or not?” anymore, now the questions are:

Is this the right thing to do? Are you happy? Are you being yourself?

Cause when they ask me, whether I love him or not. I said yes.

Completely. I am just not sure if I continue this, can I survive any other consequences, bad words, snapped from the mistakes that I will make? Each mistake will cast another scar.

And I don’t think I want that to happen. I am too wounded, I guess?

I really don’t know how to explain this without crying, so I thought maybe writing it down will help me relieved my feelings.

There is another lines in the movie that moves my heart. That sometimes I hope he can do that for me too.

Ally’s mom said, “Ally, I don’t understand you. Why do you let him go? You are finally being happy.”

“No mom, you are happy. Not me. You may not understand me, but you don’t have to.”

“All you got to do is to love me.”

Dear you, maybe I am that annoying, stupid, making too many mistakes, I cause you a lot of resentment rather than happy dates. I know I am not good enough for you. Maybe I am stupid, easy to fool, complicated, full of feelings and drama, I like to take care of you without thinking about how do you like to be treated. I know I am not perfect.

Sometimes I just wish, you can accept that package as me. As Clarina, completely. You may not understand me, babe. And you will never understand me. But if you want this things to work you got to love me the way I am. Cause we will never be good enough for each other if we can’t accept each other flaw.

Would you let me be me?

Cause right now, I don’t want to lose you. I love you that much.

I am afraid I need to let you go if you hate my package that much.

Anyway happy late valentines day from a girl who does not believe in the power of love anymore.

I hope you feel good, worthy to be loved, and happy always.
Thank you for choosing to love me this far.