In our life, we are expected to keep moving in rapid change since many things around us develop rapidly nowadays. People do not value the idea of slowing down anymore. In my case, slowing down is very helpful.
I guess the key to my peace whenever I get angry or disappointed, choosing to stop for a while and catch my breath is better than wreaking my anger into something else. Somedays I also choose to cry alone until I feel better as the act of slowing down a bit. Or simply yell as loud as I can in my pillow.
I hate the idea of getting mad at someone I love cause I know it hurts both of us, so sometimes to release the anger I deleted my chats. Do you know that feeling of regret after you mad at someone? That happens to me every time I have finished my anger.
Today, I made a mistake.
And I thought I am not sure how many more times I will disappoint him again because of this behavior. I need to get prepared for losing someone I love once again in my life. You know it is hard to see someone not happy being around you or in a relationship with you.
It sucks to (again) prepare my heart to accept for the worst case comes up.
Maybe it’s true that I suck at communicating, I cannot control my feelings and emotion, and I deserve this decision he said to me today.
Hey! If you read this,
I know you’ll probably wondering why I’d write instead of talking so I’ll just start by saying:
This isn’t one of those “let’s fight” calls on a written page.
I guess I just wanted to let you know that, if the day comes when you can’t accept me anymore, please let me know. So that I can learn to unlearn you. I want to let you know that just because we didn’t work out, doesn’t mean I think it’s your loss or my loss either.
I think our chapter is over but I still want you to win as bad as I want to win too. Even if I’m not there to see it again.
I am not gonna make you “regret” it or make you “jealous” because I think there’s enough room for all of us to win. And if I’m being honest.
I guess I realized I could never convince you to love me in the first place.
It was my fault to force you to rush it all. I am sorry.
I wanted to let you know that I’m not gonna find someone better than you, but I’ll find someone better for me just as you have. We were on the same team then, and we’re still on the same team now, just, headed for different directions.
So, I guess I just wanted to say goodbye.
Just in case, I need to be ready for my worst scenario.
Like you always said.
Sorry for ruining your weekend, I never meant to hurt you.
I hope you forgive me for keep saying goodbye lately.
And if you think you’re sure and ready to let go of me, just let me know.
I love you, but honestly, I don’t love you enough to let you go for now.
I hope you’ll choose the art of slowing down for a bit to think about it carefully before you decide on it.
Cause only by slowing down you can see valuable things around you that you will miss when you are fast.
Goede nacht. Ik hou van je. Ik hoop dat je dat weet.