Perhaps, it’s me

Rainy season is coming, and so does her nerve

Its about those hard times to go to sleep in the night

Its about that person who falsely hurt you again and again

Its about their saying something is “off” with you, Na

Its about their words that have stolen your peace, joy, and sleep

When you held nothing back,

when you gave everything and were kicked in the guts as a “Thank you”

To be honest, it was excruciatingly painful at first.

Now all I feel is numb.

That day when you said you didn’t want to lose me

That moment when you said you miss me

And every time you said you love me

I wish you had stopped saying it, when you stopped meaning it.

I could never force you to love me ever again.

And you don’t have to try to love me better again.

No, you didn’t break me. I broke me.

Because I believed in something that wasn’t real.

I should have never force you to love me back.

And when the cold wind blows is more friendly than my smile,

when the lonely days without me is better than seeing me

We know where this journey is taking us, right?

I always hope you can find someone who can uplift you, cherish you, and show you through her actions that you are matter.

I realized that, sometimes even if we feel a connection with someone, its okay not to pursue it. Sometimes it’s important to understand that every connection doesn’t necessarily need to turn into a relationship.

And I get it. I understand.

Yes. I gave up on you.

But you need to know that before that,

I struggled a lot.

I cried. Million times.

I begged for more affections that you could never give me.

And the worst part is : I lost myself for you.

Now I realize that I am becoming someone that I don’t want to become.

Cause I’ve been scolded whenever I try to explain how I feel

I’ve been blocked and kicked out whenever I brave myself to tell my disappointment

So at the end, I realized that I was never given the time to defend myself and my opinions.

My own consideration or judgement were always a mistake.

I felt required to be silent.

To only understand and accept it.

So here I am now. I am in that stage where :

I am not sad about it, but I think about it often.
I regret it, but also glad it happened now.
I am no longer being angry, but disappointed.
I don’t miss you anymore, but I miss the feeling that you gave me before.

So, maybe you don’t love me.
You tolerated me.