Never Be The Same Anymore

Sometimes distance teaches you the value of a person.
I do love you.
Many times I’ve said: I’ll take the risk to love you.
I miss you like hell.
Distance teaches me how wrecked my life is now without you.

You know what, I realize now. It is tiring to get to know a new person once again from zero. And now look what I have got. Disappointment hits harder than sadness. It hurts.
I told you, I’ll go if you tell me to.
No, I don’t wanna stay because it hurts this way.
I’ve been living in a lie just to get you out of my mind.
I promise I’ll be fine someday. Someday you’ll find the one.
Yes, I am leaving because it’s hurtful to stay.
Yes, I have been trying my best, but none of my feelings matter to you.
Yes, I want to be with you, but you left this deep scar.

As much as I want you to love me back, I want you to be happy.
Staying with me does not make you happy.
It makes me sad to hold you here with me if you are unhappy.
I believe you will never wither in my memories.
All of this has been so hurtful. I am not okay. Really.
I might regret this someday, but I had given away all I had.
I reach out to you, but once again you choose to let go of my hands.
I had given my best shot. Well, I don’t know about you.
And it’s okay, maybe this is just what you want.
To leave me bit by bit. Killing me softly and whispering through actions, “Hey, I am leaving now.”

It’s okay, really it’s okay.
I knew you will leave anyway. Everyone does.
Everyone who loves me always leaves me.
It’s not a surprise anymore knowing you’ll leave.
Since I had given my best shot and you still choose to leave with that: “I love you” words.
It really changes my mind about the meaning of those words.
I admit I will never be the same anymore, no.
I don’t believe in those words anymore.
Cause when someone said those words they always end up leaving.
So are you. It’s okay to leave me.
I’ll be okay.. I’ll be okay.
It’s just, that I will never be the same anymore. I am sorry.

To be honest, I just wanna feel to be loved sometimes
Is that wrong?
I miss that “how was your day?” questions
Many times I say this in my heart: “I will wait. I will wait for him. I will wait for his call”
But you were never there, you were missing
And whenever I brave myself to call you first, you said you are busy and I am afraid I might bother you.
I realized that I could never expect any of this to you.
Cause I know, your heart was never mine.
Clarina is no one for you.
Clarina is just someone that popped up just like ads in your important YouTube video that you watch.
Fortunately, sometimes I am a funny ads, that I can at least fill up your day with something that makes you smile or laugh.
Thank you for that smile and laugh.
I am sorry I still cannot make you that happy and satisfied.
I hope you’ll find what you’re looking for.
Just like what you’ve always said, “I love you, but …”
I wanted to tell you this:

“I love you, but you are not ready yet.”
“I love you, but you said you can’t.”
“I love you, but you choose to stay away.”
“I love you, but you hurt me and disappoint me in many ways.”
“I love you, but you have ruined everything that we made together.”
“I love you, but you left me alone crying”

Yes, I long for you. I miss you.
I hope you’d stay, but I am not sure cause I might never be the same anymore.



Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store
Clarina Tiara Agneta

Clarina Tiara Agneta

Life is happen that way because you are built for it!