Mencintaimu Dengan Ngeyel

“Ngeyel itu enak, konsekuensinya yang ga enak.”

Baru-baru ini gue ada pembicaraan asik dengan salah satu teman dekat yang asalnya sama. Karena gue asalnya dari Jawa Tengah, kita banyak ngobrol dengan dialek Jawa.

Akhir-akhir ini susah banget buat gue bisa cerita tanpa nangis atau bertahan happy seharian. Ada major problem yang bikin gue super sedih dan kecewa yang tidak memperbolehkan gue menikmati hari sepenuhnya dengan happy. Yes, semua orang pasti punya problem masing-masing lah ya, sementara yang baru-baru ini gue alami memang kebetulan soal cinta.

Even if gue kelihatan happy di hari itu, ketika gue sendirian lagi gue selalu end up nangis. Abang gojek aja bingung kenapa gue tiba-tiba nangis di jalan HAHAHA parah bets yak fluktuasi emosi gue~

Hari itu kita bener bener cuma spend time together, 2 girls with alcohol and keripik is always the best. Dengan minum, hal hal paling mendasar yang gue ga bisa sampein dalam keadaan sadar akan keluar semua, dan bener dong.

Somehow, gue justru dapet wangsit baru kemarin ketika ngobrol sama sahabat 1 ini yang nunjauh di sana.. Baru kali ini gue berhasil menceritakan semua yang gue rasain dan apa yang terjadi tanpa nangis dan sedih.. Tapi gue tetep nangis sih at the end of everything, I called him and cry I guess..

Anyway, semua terjadi karena temen gue bilang judul cerita cinta gue harusnya:

“Mencintaimu Dengan Ngeyel”

LOL

Ngeyel itu bahasa Jawa artinya bersikeras kalo dalam bahasa Indonesia a.k.a keras kepala.

“Batu banget sih lo Na! Selalu deh ya dari jaman dulu elu tuh ice princess.”

Anyway, gue bersyukur analogi temen gue ini cukup tepat dalam menggambarkan ke batu an otak gue selama ini.

“Tapiiiii, ngeyel ki penak, sing ra enak konsekuensi ne..”

Gue bilang keras kepala itu enak, yang ga enak konsekuensinya.

Ini udah kali ke berapa gue ambil resiko dalam mencintai orang, dan selalu kena batunya, kenapa? karena gue kepala batu.

Gue ga bisa bohong kalo gue masih mengasihi orang ini.

Gue kangen banget, sedih banget, kecewa banget. Iya jelas.

Tapi kesalahan yang gue buat adalah berkepala batu untuk terus mencintai orang yang tidak mau tinggal lebih lama di dalam hidup gue.

My other friend also said “It takes two to tango”.

Dan gue tau, disini gue dancing on my own.

Dan hari ini finally gue bisa bilang sama diri gue sendiri:

“Clarina, it takes two to tango. Berhentilah mencintai dengan ngeyel. Tidak ada fungsinya mengusahakan stay dengan orang yang tidak mau stay dengan kamu. The show must go on, time will heal and reveal everything. You are perfectly a masterpiece, Clarina.”

And yes, bener banget. Lately, I’ve been trying to convince myself..

Dear Clarina,

“Semua nggak akan selamanya kayak gini, what you feel for now is just temporary condition.. It is all just inside your mind and heart.”

“At the end of the day everything will be fine, indeed it will be fine, sama kaya hari buruk kemarin yang udah berhasil kamu lewatin.”

“Clarina, its good to take the risk, you are brave enough, wow! But please, STOP. Lagi lagi.. kamu nggak bisa maksa orang yang mau pergi untuk stay di hidupmu it will make you hurts. more..and more..”

“Your world is moving, so are you. You need to keep moving and moving. Move on girl! Cause he has gone so long and he won’t come back anyway.”

So, to close this funny title, I need to admit..

I did not remember anything happen after I got drunk that night.

I woke up at 10 or 9 am the next day and realized I called him many times.

Guess what? He answer my call, but unfortunately I did not remember what did I say to him. Until now.

Man, this is stupid. I know I am. Somehow, I wish he’ll tell me what did I say that day to him, cause I really did not know what we were talking about that night on phone call.

Finally, dear Clarina, you know what you don’t always need a great and perfect day, sometimes all you need is just to breathe and accept all things that happen. Breathe.. you will be okay.

And dear you, yes you.

I cant lie that I miss you. So much.
I cant lie that there are days.. my tired days.. my happy days.. where I completely being stupid believing you are waiting in my boarding house suddenly..
I once imagining you were standing on the balcony already waiting for me to come home while smoking there..
Or seeing your smile when I go upstairs and you were sitting on that black table and chair..
There are more than many times I feel like someone is waiting for me to come home to take me out for dinner together..
You might don’t know how much I wish you’d swaying too sometimes to follow your stupid feelings and see me sometimes..

But you didn’t. It just never happened.

Not just once or twice I feel like someone is knocking my door, wishing it was you.. wishing I’d see your face behind that door..

Turns out you’re never there..

There are also days when I can’t stop crying when I see your face in my dreams.. and finally I choose not to sleep anymore..
Dear you.. as much as I wish you’d sway and follow your feelings.. I also wish you are happy doing this..
Maybe, leaving me makes you happier than staying with me.. and its okay..
I am writing now just because I know my feelings does not matter to you anymore..
Its okay. I hope you really are that happy.
Good bye~

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Clarina Tiara Agneta

Clarina Tiara Agneta

Life is happen that way because you are built for it!