Do you believe in destiny? Have you ever wondered why your life is upside down like a roller coaster ride? Or asking “why” in all the things that happen to your life?
Me? I do believe in destiny. And yes, I feel you!
I also ask myself why in everything that happens in my life. Let me begin with this sentence:
“Maybe it’s going how it’s going because you’re built for it.”
I always believe that my life is going in this way because I am built for it. I know its probably too late to introduce myself here as a writer, but hey! Let me reintroduce my self.
Hi! My name is Clarina Tiara Agneta, people call me Nana. I am 22 years old. I live with my family in Salatiga, Central Java, Indonesia. I have two precious siblings, one elder sister, and little brother. My parents are not working, but that does not mean that I cannot have the same opportunity as other people.
For those who read this, some of you might know what kind of person I am before, but in this story, I am going to show you the other side of me.
People used to see me as an easy-going and very kind person. A very clever, perfectionist and ambitious person in doing anything.
Pretty, happy, have a good life, and talented.
MY LIFE IS PERFECT. That is how people see me.
Never did they see me struggling to control my own heart and belief. This is how my life is going on actually.
Let’s drove back to when I was a kid. I was raised as a broken and tough girl at the same time, it was actually shaped by my father’s temperamental behavior. My Dad is half Dutch and my Mom is Javanese. It happened because my Dad raised in Dutch culture which is a mean and very discipline way to raise their kids at that time. My dad was raised under pressure and hard times by my grandfather. Unfortunately, this character shaped him into a scary Dad for his children.
Deep down, I knew that my Dad does not want to be a scary Dad too.
That this is not my father’s fault to raise me that way.
Actually, it is good because I can learn to be more disciplined and tough at the same time. I have a powerful mental and principle as a girl. On the other side, I also grow into a very fragile and introverted girl. It seems like I build a very thick glass around me to keep me safe.
I never experience that feeling of a child that misses her father and happy to meet her father after a long time. All I ever know is my dad is very scary, meanwhile, my Mom is too weak to defend her kids and herself. This situation shaped me into a broken, not feeling loved, and scared at my own parents. It gave me a brainwash on how I see myself.
I never know that this view is actually ruining my true self. It shaped my character and belief as a person. Then I grow up and most of the time I hide my true self in front of people even in front of my parents. Home cannot be called a home. Sadly, I have lived this way for 18 years.
Being inside this thick glass really change me into someone else that I don’t know who I am anymore. I always put myself behind, never think that I also need to love myself. Feeling alone, easily attracted by love from men. When I see myself, I feel bad, because I don’t know when can I finally show my real self in front of people. Since what people say about me is matters to me. Until that time when I realized I cannot let myself locked in this thick glass forever.
I decided to break in the thick glass around me for the first time when I started my college life. The first time I applied to my bachelor’s degree, I did not think about how can I pay my tuition, because I believe if God wants me to learn as a university student, then He will make it happen. This is why I said I do believe in destiny before. It is not because I am pretty religious or what, but it is true.
Day minus one I had to pay for my tuition, my faraway uncle paid for my bachelor’s degree. I believe that I can study at university and it happened that way. Although I did not know how will I survive to pay for my tuition fee, at that time I took the opportunity and decided to work as hard as I can.
Currently, I am still learning in the Faculty of Language and Arts, majoring in English Language Education. Then after working very hard in maintaining my GPA, in my first year I got a full scholarship for my 4 years of tuition because my GPA is 4.00 in my first-year study. It was a massive blessing when I got that scholarship. The scholarship is literally helping me to work on everything.
Since then, I managed the money from the scholarship for my living expenses and to pay my tuition. I also gain more money by becoming an English tutor for children. The money from the scholarship became the source of my little business modal to pay for my tuition. Sometimes I save some for selling food to gain more money to pay for my tuition. In this case, I never ask for money from my parents anymore. Crazy, huh?
From having no hope to be a university student until gaining money by myself to manage. I knew it took a lot of hard work, planning, and self-control, but I made it!
I am often considered a perfectionist and ambitious person. I did not realize that sometimes I become very perfectionist because I am just trying to survive. If my GPA goes down, I am afraid of losing the scholarship and failed to pay my own tuition. Therefore, I am always doing my best in every course.
Well, that’s about my study journey.
The most important thing that I want to highlight here is that my situation does not change at all. I still have the same father the same parents, the same sight from people around me sometimes. Above all those things, I bravely choose to stand for myself and smashed my thick glass.
It is not about waiting for the situation to change, but it is about making changes inside of you.
Through this journey, I finally realize that I have formed a precious value in my life.
And here I am in my last year of college still surviving and enjoying being my true self. I am planning to open an English Café and Course my self. Meanwhile, every evening until midnight I always help my mom running our home small restaurant. This restaurant is where the only income that my family has. Anyway, I always believe that God is providing us every day. I live for today. I never worry about tomorrow, for I know that I am doing my best and God is still giving me the process to reach small goals in my life one by one. This process really shaped me to be who I am this day.
It is amazing to recall my experience of how I finally choose to break in my thick glass. Now the girl inside the glass box has a dream and even has future planning.
So, this is the new me. I am a hardworking person and also willing to do many things to lighten my parents’ burden. I believe that there is always a way to make some progress in my own dreams.
I always think that in the middle of these hard times of my family, I also responsible for my own future and carrier too. This is my life, my process, I believe everyone has a different process in their life that help them to grow better every day.
Believe in your process, never give up!
Have faith, but don’t forget that faith cannot give a discount to your hard work.