Dear My Forgotten Self..I’m sorry

Today all I want is crying but my tears are dry..

Today I am super sad but I am not allowed to look sad in front of you, cause I will be another burden for you and I will be called egoist

Today I still have trouble sleeping because I want to decide something that really really affect many things in my life..

Well, because he is my everything..

Today I can’t sleep and my heart keeps hurting

Its funny when my only need right now is to cry out loud until I finally fall asleep for I am too tired crying..

I know, I am pathetic, am I?

After all those shits, I think its understandable if you choose to leave me at the end.. your feeling is valid, don’t feel guilty for leaving me here alone again..

I know, its that hard right? To show me that you love me?

I know, its that hard right? To love me and all my baggage?

And its okay for you to leave..

Out of all the pain that I have chosen to make you happy or to make you feel comfortable with me, I paid a lot to get to that point.

Yes, I pay it with losing my self. I lost my real self, my real personality, my real feelings toward you. I lost everything.

I even lost the way I want to love you the way I love to do it.

I’m sorry I should have done that before, loving you by showing the real feelings of mine, to be more vulnerable in front of you.

Do you know that, its tiring? To be someone else in front of you..

And if I choose to be the real me in front of you, you will keep complaining, you lost your comfort with me, and finally I lost my self, again.

I have to show that I am strong enough all the time in front of you.

Neglecting my real and own feelings that sometimes, you hurt it..

I know, I hurt you too.. by lying that its all okay..

By saying those “I will be okay, I just need some time alone.”

And those “I can still learn to live with it, I need to adapt.”

But I cannot do this anymore..

It hurts you and it hurts me too..

I could not do this anymore, whenever you yell at me.. angry at me..

I feel like I have lost my world..

In every possible ways,
I do believe that I don’t deserve to be treated that way by someone who said he loves me.. that hurts

Although you always comes up with apologize, it leaves me big scars..

In some days I feel like I know you
In some days I also feel like I don’t know you at all

And when those vulnerable feelings finally brave enough to peak around me, showing me: “hey I am here, I am hurt, do you see me here?”

I feel like I want to cry seeing her, seeing myself in those wounds..

I see her with the wounds all over her body, no more space without wound

And do I have the heart to neglect her again?

Cause whenever I choose you over and over again, I just need to wait until you bump me over and over again in some places where I have those wounds..

For once I feel sad, for once when I see you next to me, I feel sad and lonely..
For once I feel like its better to let you go for good now..

Dear Clarina,

I say you’re brave enough.

Brave enough to be yourself.

Don’t be cruel to yourself.
When you know you can’t handle it.

Let it go. Let it pass.
You are made to be free.
Not everyone can see that beautiful side of yours Na.
Leave..

Forgive him, forgive yourself..

Cause all the people in the world sometimes live like a mess too

And here is if you want to know my real self:

All I know is sometimes I make wrong decision
Sometimes I am a mess
Sometimes I am too stupid to be aware
Sometimes I can’t handle my own thoughts
Sometimes I do things simply because I want to
Sometimes I let go things because it haunted me
Sometimes I fell into trap that I have predicted
Sometimes I hate the way I feel about myself
Sometimes I don’t like people look happier
Sometimes I follow my guts not to care
Sometimes I am tired of living
Sometimes I just want to die
Sometimes I feel weak and uncappable
Sometimes I do things just because people say so
Sometimes I love to walk or work until I am sick
Sometimes I distract myself too much till I get sick

And here is if you want to know my real self when you are around me:
Sometimes I don’t feel important to you
Sometimes I feel people leave me for good, so are you
Sometimes I don’t feel much appreciated
Sometimes I am too kind
Sometimes I got hurt and I could not say it
Sometimes I fool myself to escape reality
Sometimes I live in pain within my own thoughts cause I cannot share it to you
Sometimes I just need a hug
Sometimes I have trouble to speak cause you press me
Sometimes I am too egoist, princess-like, although that's all I need in my bad days
Sometimes I hurt myself first and leave you, so I won’t hurt you
Sometimes I choose to leave you cause I love you too much
Sometimes I feel like I got banished from your life easily

And if letting you go is the best decision I could ever make,

for my forgotten self back there, for my forgotten self who keeps hiding to hide all my wound, you can come out now..

Show him, how much you love him enough to finally let him go.

One day, you’ll know how much words and behavior could break someone down.. even for someone that you said you love her so much..

So, be it.. Let me be me, and you be you..

I cannot neglect my forgotten self anymore, I’m sorry..

I’m ready to let you go