As much as I love you, I don’t think spending your lifetime beside me is somewhere you would want to be.

“So, you keep your ocean. I’ll take the lake.” — Coleen Hoover

Fall apart? Falling out of love? Break each other’s heart?

What else do you need? Are you waiting for a big explosion to get in the way? Just to show you the sign, girl? Stop dreaming.

But he said he loves me. And I believe him. I believe what he said to me.

Well, you know my habit, I always walk around randomly when I have things in mind. I felt sad that day. I was thinking about how to keep him happy in this relationship. He seemed tired of me lately.

I remember that one fine day when I took my trip to meet him after his working hours. I sat by the Thamrin Street pedestrian to buy a cup of iced coffee from Starling. I saw a little boy come over, he showed me a random astronomy book.

He seemed excited to tell me what he read from it, so I smiled at him and listened,

“Do you know what is a supernova?”, asked the boy.

“Oh, what is that?”

“Supernova is a massive star that suddenly increases greatly in brightness because of a catastrophic explosion that ejects most of its mass.”

“What does that mean? The massive star has exploded?”

“Yeah! When the gravitational core collapses, the star collapses in just seconds. Cool right?!”

And he ran away after that random information about supernovas.

Then I realized something. Such a random boy.. but, HEY!!

Supernovas? Yes, if one day his feelings collapse toward me, I have to be ready. To let him go, to let him explode to see him brighter as a person.

Just like supernovas, the explosion will come.

Although I need to see his feelings collapse, that might ruin many things within me, but at least it is worth it to see him happier compared to when he keeps the feelings toward me.

Supernova. Yes, when the core of the star changes, the star collapses in just seconds. There you go same thing happens to your feelings toward me sooner or later.

STOP. I thought. The more I sit here, the more I think about him.

“Ah, come on! Let’s walk again”, I thought.

And there you go my overthinking mind always connecting things.

You have always said: “We never know”

They say two people need to fall apart to realize how much they need to fall back together.

Well, in case you didn’t know dear, as much as I love you, I wanted you to find someone better to live your life better, even if it’s not me. Cause I think I could never be enough to be someone beside you. I feel unworthy of your affection.

And as much as I want you to find someone better for your life, I wish you could cope up with me and my family to stay and cherish all the flaws.

I don’t know. I don’t have any clue about what the future will hold.

These months were burdensome for both of us. Whenever I saw you slept beside me.. many times, I thought: “How could I ever leave his side? I love him so much.”

But there is always a voice within me that said: “Think about it, he will have a better life without you. He deserves a better girl. You should give him a chance to let him go.”

Those voices inside my head have been echoing and that took many of my night’s sleep away. I wish I could have closed my eyes and ears to sleep.

Whenever you explain how you feel towards me, I feel it. Your consideration. Your readiness.. to let go of me too.. sometimes I can see that..

That just drew a little smile on my face, and that voice came again.

“You see? Let him go. He deserves someone better.”

Many times I tried to stop this stupid overthinking in my mind, but tonight, I couldn’t keep it for myself anymore.

I write everything here, so I can sleep with a void head.

That back to zero method, remember?

Dear honey, as much as I want you to sleep by my side, I remember how it does not make you feel comfortable with me.

And as much as I wish you were here to hug me while I cry after my nightmares, I remember that it was just a dream, and I will always wake up crying to remember it was all just a dream. Your hug, your kiss, your warm gaze before I sleep.

So, I hope by writing all of these, I’ll sleep peacefully tonight. Hopefully.